Toilet Humor! (Still working on an official title)

My artist bailed as artists sometimes do. If anyone knows anyone who wants to collaborate 50/50 getting these published I would love to hear from them. There are 150 total and these are a few samples of what I'm looking for in the final draft. The idea is something to read while you're on the can, they feature these two characters, a toilet and sink naturally.

Stories of Evermore

This is the first completed 115,000 word book in a planned series. An author has about 1/1,000,000 chance of getting their work published, and as of now I'm just another statistic. It was fun though, maybe someone will pick it up.

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Like Red Salamanders, But With Insect Eyes All Over Their Bodies

I was in my room – the attic actually, but my room was in the attic, we had converted it. It was in my closet.

 

I’m not sure. I didn’t really see it at first. I mean, I saw it I thought but I didn’t know what it was at the time, I just know I saw something looking at me.

 

Well this is going to sound crazy but what went through my head was like a leprechaun you know? I mean, it was short, it had just finished raining outside and there was a rainbow, then I saw two points of light like eyes looking at me in the dark and I thought “leprechaun”. But I hadn’t actually seen what they look like yet. They look nothing like leprechauns. They don’t look like anything really, maybe those long lizards. What are they?

 

Oh salamander? Yeah I can see that. They look a little like a salamander but they have eyes everywhere, not just the two points of light I saw staring at me from the closet. I mean they even have eyes on their belly, which they crawl… no I mean which they slither on. They slither on their eyes can you imagine? Well I know now that they have a high tolerance for pain, if they even feel pain. But what is the point of those legs if they are just going to slither around like some, I don’t know, disgusting snake-insect-salamander thing?

 

Red.

 

Yeah, I know there is such a thing as a red salamander, and, well no I didn’t know that one specific kind of salamander is red with black spots… Listen, they weren’t salamanders, that’s just…

 

No, I was trying to describe it. You’re the ones who keep asking. I’ve never seen anything like it.

 

I didn’t have any pets, much less pet lizards. It wasn’t a dream. This had been going on for a week. I was trapped there.

 

Again? All the way from the beginning we’re going to do this again? Listen can’t I just leave? I have friends they’ll let me stay there…

 

Am I in trouble?

 

No, no lawyer. Okay, like I said, I saw two points of light and it freaked me out. I was in my house by myself, it had been raining but cleared up and there was a rainbow. Well, my parents are on vacation, and I’m not usually so jumpy, but being alone in a house with eyes looking at you from the closet, even if they are eyes only a foot off the ground is going to freak anyone out I think. But it was only there for a second, and when I went to check I just figured the light had reflected off of something shiny. I have a bunch of clothes inside and some of them have, I don’t know, zippers and buttons that I guess could catch the light just so. That’s what I told myself and that’s the last I thought of it until the next day.

  Well my bed faces the closet, and I passed out around midnight I guess and I woke up to those eyes, just staring at me again.

 

It was dark and my eyes were adjusted, so when I flipped on the light I could see it clearly even though it was in the closet again. It was standing on its hind legs and leaning back on its long tale.

 

A foot high, like I said. I guess with its tail it was like two feet long.

 

Yes okay. So an exact description I guess is, two feet long with two stubby legs in the back and, what I can only describe as stubby baby hands toward the head…

 

Yes, hands. That’s what I’m saying, it’s not a lizard. They could hold stuff and use their fingers like a person. I was there for a week so I think I know what they look like by now. They only used their legs when they were standing, and only their hands I guess, for holding stuff. They moved around by slithering on their belly, and I hate snakes. The second I turned on the light it dropped to its belly and slithered toward the back of my closet. At first I didn’t believe my own eyes. I don’t know what came over me, I had goose bumps everywhere. I wasn’t really scared, more creeped out really. Like, you see something like that and your brain tries to make it fit into something you know. So I assumed it was a snake, and maybe I had imagined it on legs or something. Like maybe it was on a top shelf and had fallen just as I had turned on the light to give it the appearance that it had been standing. So I got really brave because I know there aren’t any poisonous snakes around here, but I certainly wasn’t going back to sleep with a snake in the closet. I got up and went downstairs and grabbed a broom. Then I went up to my closet and started knocking stuff around trying to scare it out. I moved some of my shoes which were in the corner and there was a hole only I’d say 4” in diameter and it was just sitting there staring at me from the hole.

 

No, I only saw its head. If I had seen more of it I would have just left.

 

It had two black beady eyes and was all red. Its tongue forked out like a snake and I said, “That’s what it is, just a dumb snake.” And even though I’m scared of snakes, in the back of my head I still could have sworn it was standing up and looking at me from in the closet, and so I was kind of relieved that had only been my imagination.

 

But it was still weird. Its head was sitting there, tongue flicking away like snakes do, and it showed absolutely no fear of me. Well I tried to poke it with the end of the broom and it went all the way back in the hole. I wasn’t sure what to do so I took a heavy box that I had in my closet full of books, placed it right in front of the hole so that it would be trapped in there, then slept downstairs on the couch. I actually fell asleep with the TV on because I needed something to distract me from the thought of a snake in my bedroom.

 

Oh, I just figured I’d sleep downstairs until my parents came home from vacation then make my dad deal with it.

 

No, I don’t like snakes. I didn’t want to kill it or anything though.

 

I don’t know. I don’t like killing stuff for no reason I guess. I try not to even kill bugs if I don’t have to. I know it’s silly, but I try to just let them outside.

 

Really? Animal control for one silly snake? I’m not going to embarrass myself like that.

 

I know it’s their job, but, I mean there’s more important stuff, and there aren’t any poisonous snakes in the area. I didn’t think it was going to kill me or anything, I was just a little disgusted with it. I knew my dad would handle it when he got back.

 

Yes. Anyway I had to go to school the next day and was so tired because I barely slept. I went upstairs with the broom again because I had to get clothes from my closet.

 

Yeah, the box of books was in the middle of my closet and there was the hole in the back. Instant goose bumps. That’s either one strong snake or something weird is going on here, but you know how it is, it’s hard to be scared of something so silly in the morning, and I was late for school. I just grabbed the clothes I was going to wear and changed downstairs – after I put the box back in front of the hole again.

 

I came home and didn’t even want to go to my room. But I wanted to check. I had half-convinced myself that I must have only imagined I put the box of books in front of the hole, and that maybe in my half-sleep, even though I knew really that I was wide awake, I thought maybe I’d left the box exactly where I had seen it in the morning. But of course when I went to my closet, not only was the box not in front of the hole, it was knocked over and books were scattered about.

 

I took all of my clothes out of the closet, shut the door, and put a chair in front of the door, you know, the way you wedge a chair under the handle so it’s impossible to get out. Then I took a bunch of blankets and kind of jammed them into the crack under the door so the snake couldn’t get out.

 

Well what am I going to tell them? That a snake is in my closet reading? That it has the strength of a hundred snakes and can knock over large boxes of books?

 

No, I hadn’t seen it again at that point, and I wish I had because than I would have just left. I would have called my parents and told them I’m staying at a friend’s house until they get back because there are snake creatures with a hundred eyes that are really strong and, oh yeah they make spider webs, and are living inside our walls.

 

Sure they’d think I’m crazy, it’s okay if your parents think you’re crazy, they already think I’m crazy I think. I don’t want other people to think it though.

 

Well it’s a bit late now. Listen you’re going to find something that will prove me right I’m telling you. They were everywhere. Your people will find one and you’ll do whatever you do and see that they aren’t snakes or lizards and they have eyes all over their bodies.

 

Well no, I don’t know if the web part is provable after they’re dead but it’s the truth.

 

Okay, where was I?

 

Yeah, that was the second day. I locked it in the closet like that and I called Amy and she said she’d come over.

 

Yeah, I told her about the snake and she thought I was crazy but she doesn’t like snakes either, we both hate snakes.

 

Sure, I had her stay the night, I wanted her to. I didn’t want to be alone.

 

What? No we weren’t. What does that have to do with the creatures? We were friends since grade school and I only like boys.

 

Um, no. Neither of us are gay. Do you want to hear about…

 

Wait, do you think… I want a lawyer.

 

The following is a court transcript of Becky Softmoore’s Testimony. She was sentenced to 5 years at Reddington Mental Health Ward to be re-evaluated on her 18th birthday and either to serve the remainder of her sentence at Reddington Mental Ward, or as a prisoner at Fullton Women’s Prison. She was charged with manslaughter and tried as a juvenile.

 

Yes, I slept on the floor in a sleeping bag, and Amy was on the couch. We woke up in the morning and Amy convinced me to look in my closet. She didn’t believe me, and frankly I was starting to not believe myself.

 

No, we didn’t even notice the windows or the doors. How could we? It was morning and light, so we didn’t turn anything on. Amy had her cell phone, but mine had no charge because obviously like I said.

 

Anyway we went to the closet and we were both kind of laughing because it was a little weird. She was teasing me a little but it made me feel better because I really wanted to think I had imagined the whole thing.

 

Shocked when she saw it, she screamed. I didn’t scream but I just felt my skin crawl and all I could think was get out now.

 

Spider webs everywhere, but obviously not spider webs because there were hundreds of these creatures, with their eyes all over, just staring at us from within this mess.

 

Okay, no, it wasn’t one web. It was like a million webs all interlocking and going every which way. I don’t know how to describe it other than that. When we opened the door the webs filled the entire closet and the creatures just stood there perched and staring until Amy screamed, then they started to scramble about, like snakes on spider webs weaving around.

 

She slammed the door and two slithered from the crack underneath. I stomped on one as hard as I could and it was half squashed.

 

It crunched, like it had bones. That didn’t stop it though, it went under my bed. I don’t know where the other went.

 

Yeah, we ran downstairs and tried to get out. The door was stuck and that’s when we saw that the edges were covered in thick webs. That’s why we couldn’t open it. I mean, I know, spider webs aren’t that strong. We couldn’t though, we tried. There was just no way.

 

All of the windows were like that so I broke one.

 

Because there were webs covering it that I didn’t see until the window was cracked.

 

Yes, all the glass broke, but it was stuck there on the web. We hit the window with objects. We did that to all the windows.

 

We just kept trying and that’s when Becky called 911.

 

I don’t know why they never came.

 

They did come? They didn’t hear us? I don’t know how that could be, we were screaming for help for a long time. Someone must have heard us. You have to find my neighbors.

 

I don’t know why they would say that. I’m sorry I can’t stop, it’s…

 

Sorry about that, I’m okay now.

 

We waited and kept trying to get out but it was no use and they started coming out. We saw them everywhere.

 

You don’t think I thought of that? We tried everything. I’m telling you we couldn’t get out!

 

We kept calling 911 like every minute for an hour.

 

Oh, you have a record of that. Than you know…

 

Um, yeah I talked. Becky was freaking out even more than me.

 

After about an hour her phone just stopped working, there wasn’t any reception. That’s when we realized all of the power was dead because my phone had no charge and the lights wouldn’t turn on.

 

We waited and tried to stay calm.

 

Everywhere, and whenever we saw one we tried to throw stuff at it. They were under everything, in every corner, some of them weaving webs and the webs came out of their mouths.

 

I don’t know. It was dark and we were up. We went back and forth, freaking out one minute, trying to stay calm the next, trying to call, trying to break windows - it’s hard to remember everything we did but that first day was the last time we even saw any light. By the next day it was completely dark, all openings covered in thick webs. I don’t even know what time it was, day or night, but I fell asleep.

 

We were using flashlights. It’s not like they were stopping us from doing stuff, but it’s like they were just ignoring us.

 

No, not scared of us at all. They would just stare so it’s not even like they didn’t know we were there.

 

Yes, I woke up and Becky wasn’t next to me. I was so scared, but I had to find her. I was screaming.

 

No one heard? How come the neighbors didn’t hear? I was screaming.

 

Everywhere, but I looked in the attic last because I didn’t want to think of her up there. The closet was closed but I heard a muffled yell.

 

Yes, I had a knife and anytime I got close enough to one I tried to kill it, but I couldn’t, they were too fast.

 

I opened the closet, that’s where Becky was, she was completely covered in their web. That… that’s the last I remember.

 

Okay, yeah I remember, but you don’t believe me anyway. I don’t understand how you couldn’t find one of them. Just one. You have to believe me!

 

Okay, I’m sorry. Yes, Becky was covered in webs, like in a cocoon and she was screaming, but there were webs over her mouth… They were eating her.

 

From the feet. The web was red at the bottom and she, she, she was about a foot shorter than…

 

I can’t.

 

I just can’t do this anymore.

 

I know but I can’t. I want to go home! I want to see my parents! You don’t believe me anyway! You think I’m crazy!

 

The next day in Court.

 

I’m sorry about yesterday.

 

Yes, they had been eating Amy’s legs.

 

I got angry. I went a little nuts I think. I grabbed one by its body and I just started whacking it on the floor as hard as I could.

 

It hissed, but I couldn’t hurt it, then one of its little hands, it had small hands like a baby, it twisted around as I was bashing its head on the floor and it grabbed my finger so hard…

 

Oh, I had the flashlight, I had dropped it when I grabbed the creature, but it was on the floor and I could see everything.

 

It grabbed my finger and it hurt. They are so strong. You can’t understand how strong they are. I stabbed it with the knife eventually, right through one of the eyes on its back, and it died.

 

When I killed one, the rest finally showed some fear. I guess we should have killed one earlier…

 

Yeah, they scrambled. I was… I don’t know what I was. I was on autopilot, nothing seemed real. I finally managed to cut some of the webs away from Amy’s mouth. It took a long time just for that little bit.

 

Yes.

 

All she said was kill me.

 

She was in pain.

 

I killed her. It was hard to do, it took a long time but I just kept thinking this is better than being eaten alive by those creatures.

 

I didn’t realize how hard it was to kill someone with only a knife when all you could get to was part of their face. I wouldn’t have even started if I knew.

 

Because once I started it was too late.

 

No I won’t describe it. Throw me in jail then.

 

No I didn’t kill my friend! They did!

 

That’s all I’m telling you. I don’t want to remember.

 

Okay. Yes, after that I just started to look for ways to kill myself that didn’t hurt too badly. I figured once they finished Amy they would start eating me.

 

Exactly the same. They just pretended I wasn’t there, but there were more and more webs, like the walls were closing in. Soon I knew that the whole thing would just be one big cocoon and that they would start… doing to me what they did to Amy

 

Yes, these cuts are from when I tried to kill myself.

 

No, I was never suicidal. Do you think this was easy? I didn’t want to die.

 

Maybe two days later.

 

Yes, I realized by accident the gas was still working.

 

You know what I did.

 

Luck.

 

Fine. I bumped into the stove because it was dark like I said and all I had was a flashlight. I didn’t know how long it had been. I knew they had to be almost finished with Amy’s body, but, I don’t know, you get so hungry that just nothing else matters so I was on my way to the refrigerator.

 

I thought of just you know, causing a gas leak and dying in my sleep like how people kill them self in the garage with the car fumes, but I couldn’t figure it out.

 

I was mad, that’s why. I was there, I don’t know, the police said five days since the 911 call. My friend was dead. These… creatures were going to eat me.

 

Yes, after I played with it awhile I figured I would rather burn the whole thing down than let them eat me. At least they’d be dead.

 

I couldn’t figure out how to make it so just gas came out, you know, what they warn you not to do. But it wouldn’t do that, maybe there was a safety or something, only flames came out no matter what I did.

 

With linens, I turned on all the ranges then I threw some towels and wash clothes and blankets on top.

 

I couldn’t believe how long it took, but eventually the blankets were blazing. I had to turn the ranges on and off and on a couple of times because the flames kept getting smothered instead of lighting the pile of linens on fire.

 

Once it was on fire I grabbed it and threw it in a corner where there were like 10 of the things, they scurried away.

 

Yeah, the webs caught on fire instantly, they burned really easy. God if we would have thought of that earlier. It never even occurred to us to try, or that something like that would work, of all the things we did to get out…

 

Really I don’t remember, but it spread everywhere and it was so hot. I guess I was panicked. The heat must have burned through the webs enough for me to throw myself through the window.

 

The whole house burned in less than an hour. If I’m lying how is that possible?

 

Where’s the gasoline if I did it? How would a house burn that fast? Why didn’t anyone see me for a week prior? Why would I have called 911 the first day there?

 

Even though no one found evidence that Becky Softmoore had ever purchased an accelerant, and detectives could not explain how the home had burned so fast, a jury found Becky guilty of murder and arson. The 911 tape was never heard in court, but a number of calls had been made five days prior to the fire. Police who responded reported no suspicious activity and no one in the home at the time. Only Amy’s torso and skull were found. There was evidence of stabbings around the face but exact cause of death could not be determined because the body had been burned so badly. Nothing odd was reported by the arson investigator. No sign of the creatures described by Becky in court. Some years later it was found that a University branch had been experimenting on DNA of lizards and insects, but none knew of the experiments at the time, and none since have made any connection between the two.